On parenting

Let’s be honest… Most people are bad parents. I say this not because every human residue is allowed to reproduce (or is even encouraged to do so) but because few, if any, parents have any clue what a good parent is supposed to do. Sure, they might know how to raise a child, as one would raise a cow, but childrearing is about more than keeping them alive and well until they’re old enough to refuse to vote. Each interaction you have affects the way they perceive life and the world at large, and some parents know nothing but to replicate what was done to them or do what they wanted to be done to them. Poverty, lack of time, lack of education or emotional baggage you have from growing up is not an excuse to be a shitty parent. Nobody is forcing you to have kids if you are in any of these situations and nobody is encouraging you to experiment with your kid by turning them into a champion of your own failures. Bad parenting starts at conception and can continue even after death.

If you’re reading this, the next part might not apply to you, but it does apply to a damagingly high number of twats who believe having a kid is like owning a car.

Here is some common sense:

1.       Be more than just a provider. If you are too: busy, awkward, lame, outdated, far away, dumb, scared or arrogant to talk to your kid long enough to earn their trust and know their problems, you are a bad parent. Trust is not given by default just because of the title ‘parent’. Your kid is a person, not a pet or a chicken in the barn. Putting food on the table and a roof over their heads is not enough to qualify as good parenting. If providing for your kid is such a chore that you literally cannot invest the time or energy to befriend them, maybe being a parent is not your thing.

2.       Explain stuff. Shit like ‘because I said so’ or ‘just do as you’re told’ make you more than a bad parent, it makes you a shitty person. Yes, kids can be snotty and annoying as an itch you can’t scratch… that’s no reason for you to be the same. Kids are not dumb, they will understand if you explain stuff to them. If my dog can understand that she is not to bark in the house, your kid can understand when it is inappropriate to raise their voice or why they should not eat dirt.

Whatever question your kid might have is no harder to answer and explain than what side the toothpaste comes out. If they do ask hard meaningful questions that make you think, congratulations, you have a bright kid, don’t kill that curiosity. A kid once read the word ‘homosexual’ in a movie subtitle and asked his mom what that meant. It may be tough to explain it to an 8 year old, but ‘a man who wants to marry another man’ is definitely a better answer than ‘go to bed now!’, which just kills curiosity and makes the kid unwilling to ask you anything in the future. The thought process is: ‘Being sent to bed is punishment. I am getting punished for asking what that word meant. That must be a bad word. But if it’s a bad word, why was it on TV? Why were they watching? Why can they watch and not me?’ etc. Notice the ‘me’ vs ‘them’ dichotomy? That’s what happens when you pull rank instead of trying to explain stuff.  See point 1. If you won’t explain stuff about the bloody world you birthed your kids into, then maybe you’re not cut out to be a parent.

3.       Learn to be assertive. Kids can be difficult, yes, not just in their teen years (hell, I remember myself back then) but they do understand authority, even if they question it. Learn the difference between assertive and threatening. One will earn their respect, the other will make them hate you.

4.       Ask questions. In addition to helping you bond with your kid, this also makes them think. Ask them anything: ‘What do you think God is?’, ‘Why is blue your favorite color?’, ‘How do you think fish breathe underwater?’ … and let them figure it out for themselves. This is the foundation of education and this is a skill they will use in life. Don’t take the easy way out by telling them what to be and what to think because they may not question anything you’ve told them, not even in their rebellious stage. This leads to the last point.

5.       Take the way best for your kid in the long run. This implies that you think and assess what they get out of each and every interaction with you. Taking the easy way out is the coward’s way and it is the cornerstone of shitty parenting. Once you have a kid, your past life is essentially over and never returning. If you understand that, you are on the way to being an at least decent parent.